"Affairs and Wake-Up Calls"

After doing marriage counseling for ten years, I can say with certainty that fidelity makes marriage easier. And affairs make marriage harder. The hurt feelings, the betrayal, the broken trust of an affair are all very difficult things to work through.

The good news is that many couples do succeed at recovering from infidelity. I have seen marriages become stronger after an affair than they were before.

But life is easier if you can give your marriage a "wake up call" without going all the way to the nuclear explosion of an affair.

One particular wake up call is about sex. "I need to feel more alive sexually," is a legitimate request. Don’t disregard this complaint if you hear it. Sadly, too many people feel discouraged about sexually revitalizing their marriage. My advice is: keep trying. All too often the "it’s hopeless" conclusion is premature.

If things aren’t good, try saying that. Try making an appointment to have a serious talk. Try making some changes to improve things. If you’re not having success, try some counseling.

If your partner tells you things aren’t good, pay attention. Don’t dismiss their complaints. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Affairs almost always feel intensely wonderful. Usually the affair is at the height of the "romantic love" (infatuation) stage while the marriage is at the depth of the "power struggle" stage. You bet they feel different. Usually the marriage also began with romantic love; and usually the affair will also turn into a power struggle. But most people don’t think about that.

Maybe you should.