"Reaching Out for Intimacy"
There’s so much talk about intimacy, it’s hard to know what intimacy really means. Here’s a definition from marriage research (done by Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington):
Moments of intimacy start when one person "reaches out" to the other. The spouse’s response determines whether or not intimacy occurs.
We reach out to our partners in all kinds of ways — some smaller, some larger. For example:
"Did you see that article in the paper?"
"Can we talk about our Holiday plans?"
"How about making love?"
When one person reaches out, there are three types of responses. They are called turning toward, turning away, and turning against.
So if you say, "Did you see that article in the paper?" Your spouse might:
- turn toward you and say, "No I didn’t see it, what was the article about?" or
- turn away from you and say, "I’m busy right now. I don’t have time for talking about the paper." or
- turn against you and say, "Why are you always hassling me and distracting me! Don’t you know I like to have my coffee in peace! What’s wrong with you?!"
The combination of one partner reaching out and the other turning toward creates intimacy.
I suggest that you make a point of noticing when your partner is reaching out to you, and being thoughtful about how you respond. Whenever you can turn toward them, do it.
When you can’t turn toward, and you’re really too busy right then; turn away in a kind, loving way. Say something positive to them and suggest another time when you will be able to turn toward them. For instance you could say, "I love how your mind is always working. I’m busy right now, so I don’t have time for talking about the paper. But I’d be glad to talk with you about it tonight."
If you catch yourself turning against them, work hard to stop doing this.
How about when they turn away or turn against you? This is difficult. It hurts you, and it hurts your relationship. You both need to talk about it, discuss your feelings and try to find ways to make things better.
So, be aware of these moments when you reach out and when you respond. These are the moments you can create intimacy.
