"The Benefit of the Doubt"

It’s nice to give someone the benefit of the doubt. We all do it with our friends. When we hear something unusual or surprising that our friend has done, we automatically put the situation in the best possible light. We think of reasons why they might have done such a thing; we jump to their defense. It’s part of our friendship.

Marital researcher, Dr. John Gottman, calls this "positive sentiment override," because our positive feelings about our friend override our doubts about the new situation. In a healthy marriage, we have positive sentiment override with our spouse, too.

The opposite perspective, "negative sentiment override," is when our negative feelings about our spouse override our trust in them. This is not healthy for marriage.

The current presidential election is a classic example:

Most people have positive sentiment override with one candidate, and negative sentiment override with the other. With one, you see what he is doing as fair, legitimate, understandable and reasonable. You construct valid reasons why he has to do what he’s doing, given the circumstances he faces.

With the other, you see what he is doing as cheating, arrogant, irresponsible and unreasonable. As you think about his motives, your see no validity in them.

These are perfect examples of positive and negative sentiment override.

Closer to home now, think honestly about whether you are in positive (or negative) sentiment override with your partner.

If it’s negative, you need to make some changes. You need to become better friends. You need to learn about each other again and re-discover one another. You need to re-cultivate your appreciation for one another. You need to find ways to welcome one another’s overtures and not be so rejecting of one another.

Re-building your friendship is the way to shift sentiment override from negative to positive. And positive sentiment override (giving each other the benefit of the doubt) is the key to cooperation in times of conflict.