"Watch out for contempt."

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. We all know that. But we need to make our conflict positive, not negative.

Contempt is the hardest, most negative, destructive kind of conflict. Because contempt is when we say or do things with the conscious intention of hurting our partner’s feelings. People get contemptuous when they are feeling very hurt, scared and angry. But getting contemptuous is still not okay.

Here’s a crucial principle: Don’t EXPRESS your contempt. Don’t say it. Don’t act it.

Instead, take a time-out. Calm down. Think things over. Get some perspective. Maybe, talk with someone else. Or write. Or figure out what this replays from your childhood.

But before you get back together, work through the contempt.

Sure, there’s a problem. Sure, you need to talk about it. Sure, things need to change. But contempt won’t help. It will just make things worse.

So, when you feel contempt, watch out. Take a break until you can calm down and be softer.