"Hope for the Best – but have a Plan for the Worst"

We all hope for wonderful, loving times with our partners. We hope to feel happy, secure, thrilled, safe, elated, cherished, etc. And sometimes, that’s how it is. These are the good times, and it’s nice to enjoy them, and delight in them, and create more of them.

However, as in the phrase, "for better and for worse," most of us know that there are difficult times in a relationship also. Disagreements, arguments, conflicts, frustrations, and hurt feelings — all these make for tougher times.

I think one crucial ingredient for a successful relationship is having plans AHEAD OF TIME for how you two are going to handle these tough times. The worst time to decide how to argue is right in the middle of an argument. (Because tempers are high and cooperation is low).

My wife and I have a number of agreements about handling difficulties. And I’m so glad we do. We don’t surprise each other, we make appointments, we use soft starts, we have ways to ventilate, we honor time-outs, we have "pet names" for our recurring problems, and we both try to understand the other’s point of view.

These are some of the skills that I teach folks in couples therapy. And I help each couple develop their own unique methods for handling their disagreements, arguments, and conflict.

I’d recommend that you come up with some agreements about how to handle difficulties. A mutually agreed on plan, in advance, is much better than making up the plan at the moment of crisis.

Because if you’ve planned for the worst times, you can get back to the best times sooner and more easily. You’ll be glad you did.